Saturday, May 31, 2008

the Robin Hood of romance

you are the Robin Hood of romance
you take from the rich and give to the needy
but still, you're unsure about stealing a kiss
you cant give it back and you can't run away
like a thief returning to the scene of a crime
you'd want to see how it's discovery went down
whilst it's some value you don't know what is says
about the nature of the way you're inclined to behave
you have no sidekick or accomplice but desire
and that's not saying much for doing the right thing
you can't resist the temptation of those lips
when they lean towards you inhibition disappears
you just take and take forsaking all virtue
you don't think with your head you just want the taste of that kiss

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

she wrote Sorry! in my coffee

she wrote Sorry! in the coffee
on the top along the crema
in the cup of a strong flat white
her first night in a while on the machine

it's good she keeps her distance

perhaps thinking it time that she requested
not to be put behind the register
or maybe it's just a coincidence

at least we won't have to talk

and can keep awkwardness to a minimum
sitting outside I light up and begin to sip
wondering just how quickly I can forgive

surely deception warrants such silence

on nights out for coffee like this
braving all the cold and weather
I debate telling her of the pain

how sorry written so softly

doesn't in an instance make okay
the way she so coldly had no trouble
saying I was nothing but a mistake

I finish my drink and go to pay

she watches quietly from a corner
knowing my lack of eye contact's a warning
that I'm not over the hurt of being sawn

by her toothed blade of ignorance

as I leave I steal a final glance
I still see her with unrequited desire
I smile as I think of the plans

of her and I made up in my mind

I close the door behind me and sigh
at how it's only time that can cure
this combination of allure and spite

Sunday, May 25, 2008

unclasped lovers

I hate it how I let your kiss
get me so quickly involved
my emotions take a hold of me
surprised at what I said I wouldn't be

your lips brush along my neckline
as a hand unbutton's me free
running your nails along my chest
unclasping your bra I cup your breast

at last discarding our clothes quick
you sigh as I firmly trace and lick
between muffled lips let cry soft moans
just a whisper amidst the city's drone

pass the time in massive attack
confusion at what we both attract
you fit to me true when you I hold
sincerity couldn't remain long sold

seduction sucks me to your world
I can't maintain you just a girl
in a trip of skull over ankles I collapse
unable to let so much silence lapse

you've changed from being there so often
to away more frequently and it's not on
detachment's not how I play the game
we've something to own up to or claim

it's not an egg and spoon race we've begun
we're running two fragile hearts out in front
of us and if they're dropped before the finish
we may's well never entered from the beginning

Saturday, May 24, 2008


just that little bit gorgeous..

how could I ignore?

the juxtaposition of you and I

looking glazed in to each other's eyes

our faces: paintings to tell

what a thousand words can not

it's hot this you and I!

this now come about well rounded

what have we found in each other?

is it safety that makes a lover?

where are we?
where's this going?

circumstance a pulling undertow

will you swim to the surface?

or let me drown in your sexing purpose..

I know conversation follows heated moments
as a stray dog trying to find it's owner..
a wiff of scent every now and then
but more often than not-- a road with no end


resigned to sharing instead of fighting for a bone

why IS it when you're away I feel more than ever alone?

Ward For The Broken Hearted

you said you hate hospitals
the sights and smells
over bearing
a cynic you determined
all they did was use drugs to substitute caring
visiting a friend
you pass by cold steel beds
on casters in hallways
lined up out of the way
the newly arrived on display
you don't need to see to know
thin walls and hospital curtains
are hiding shame and grief
drawn to conceal the overwhelmed hurting
the sign above the front desk says

PCAs carry buckets with soft wash cloths
to bathe the wounds depart
posters of precautionary procedures
surround patients hooked to IV drips of comfort
pay television plays silently
and the cords hang off remotes to adjust the bed heights
buzzers ring pleading
the nourishment of company
but they're on strict diets of time alone
some of the long term admittees rejoice
in someone to always answer the telephone
signs above beds say
the elevator's packed with orderlies
escorting tragedies from the 'trauma ward for the burns of love'
a queue is forming -increasing- for the self admitted
others being dragged in kicking and screaming
then there's the emotionally dead
silent as zombies; voicing moans from their dreams
the staff have a name for those fallen
who never awake
inverted insomniacs
given a sleeping spell
by a sorcerer called Forsaken
doctors and nurses tend to operations
trying to instigate change
but some of the patients' hearts
are arrested or too old aged
love dies at the knife
either stabbed by passionate murder
or in the emergency room
by slicing arteries on the operating table

where I lay you pushed through the door
as determined as ever before
to be by my side and get me well
and warm my heart till the ice thaws
I didn't have to explain
how my other left and hurt me
you just knew
shyly I asked you to forgive me
I didn't have the right to underestimate you
you were silent and just nodded
no words needed to tell me of your love
as I closed my eyes I wondered
why I turned you away
you should have been enough
the outpatient's form has a section
titled 'do you feel safe to leave?'
I signed with some hope myself as okay
but knowing sorrow can drip through a pinhole
and my heart's a sieve

Friday, May 23, 2008

love is lung cancer

if love is lung cancer then you are a cigarette
I lit you and smoked you and you went straight to my head
as I huffed you in a rush of blood and nicotine swelling
hazed my sight from any harm as I happily neglected
terms and conditions of my buying as I signed off the waiver
to my emotional health and well being savoring your addictive flavour
not half through a deck of twenty original mild sevens
every drag of you I partake gets my heart rate elevated
my friends are a quitline I call but they don't have an answer
and the warning labels don't indicate any reason to not fancy
you more and more every moment we share or I add to my collection
of romantic notions and reasons why it doesn't seem fair
to deprive myself of you when we're so young with so much to gain
my conscience wars with my ploy to live by what feels right to claim
you're sold as desire but hide love and death in a fliptop pack
as you get inside me you line me with tar; turn my cells in a mutiny attack
I could stop but I'd never heal, my lungs forever still be scarred
why does the solution have to be to quit when it's my lungs in question not my heart.

Thursday, May 22, 2008


the way you fit to me's like an intricate puzzle
piece by piece concentrating on aiming for completion
a depiction or picture of what yet I'm not sure
each addition is slightly giving or further fleeting
not often making whole sense similarly as our meetings
as a rule puzzles are best commenced from the corners
but are our developing borders warnings or beauty fawning
as exclusive members can they remain enough
done and dusted will they tell a truth of lies or love

as setting upon a puzzle you somewhat frustrate me
getting under my skin with wit and intellect grating
and I wonder if its in your safety that I'm getting turned on
or because we're on opposite sides of the track yearning
trying to meet at the rounding bends and stop running parallel
if only there was a picture on the puzzle box to tell
so we could know and stop hoping and anticipating
the promise on the box is a bright warning label
stating this puzzle results in tension fumigating
still our conversations play the following scratched record
two loud entwined minds debating shouting back only hearing echoes

as love is some puzzles never reach completion
but through the manufactured cracks they ooze a secretion
a combination of hints; of lovers secrets and magic teachings
experience a guide for other thousand piece undertakings
at conclusion of a puzzle it must be separated to pieces or traded
for a new one
love just an idea put in a box, shrink wrapped and sold
to discount and bargain corporate run convenience stores
with sales and marketing tactics no wonder puzzles disdain
people hang them in their houses; walls adorned in flattering frames
of the best you can't tell they're puzzles the lines between pieces blurred
but they're so rare to cast your eye upon that they may truly never occur

Sunday, May 18, 2008

If hypothetically I fell for you

How long can you hide intimate feelings that reside
for a friend you want as a lover, knowing if you tell her you'll suffer

Consequences and repercussions will drip forever like blood
oozing from a wound never healing that gapes with misguided feelings

Do you fight to bring to the open; the situation- hoping
oxygen'll breathe life; seeing how long without sutures the wound copes

You're enslaved as a secret admirer, with admiration a fire
stoving alight inside you with so close yet so far desire

You know you should resign her to a muse; nothing more
but the thought of you and her is a foot you've got half through a door

Beyond it there's nothing despite pensively pining
Just you and her in ruin; a friendship digested finally manure

Shat in a pasture where you knew grass would never grow greener
but how to ignore the itching tickle to reach out to bring her closer

To your world letting her clue in on your brewing infatuation
manifest in your mind with her manufacturing mellay imagination.

Friday, May 16, 2008

A Kite In The Wind

you're on my mind
despite the time
we're not sharing
in line
with our plight
for less caring

does it feel right
now it's been shed
in the light
to acknowledge our passion
wasn't fairing
longer than that
single night

try as I might
to retain the rope
my fingers cut for the fight
as you float away
a beautiful kite
in the sky
finding your home
in the wind
being taken where it will
and making
good with the thrill
of being care free
and high

you're off and away
from everything
I'm dripping blood
from my palms
as I let you go with a sigh
and let the wind's voice
sing you a longing lullaby
to let you know
I'm saying farewell
and I insist you bring
me back a story to tell

I'll wait here and take
as long's it is till you're
from my sight and I'll keep
waving you goodbye

Thursday, May 15, 2008

did you miss me?

they haven't seen each other all day..
their meeting kiss does say

wait, perhaps..all week!
they're going at it again

they stall outside the cafe
on the corner, young together

celebrating their reunion
with wine or maybe cake

I watch ambitious for their sake
love's not an easy course

wish them enduring good fortune
let them as long as they can; partake


long day's
compilation of worries
a couple nothing to say
ignorant inquisitions
into each other's day
foreboding tomorrow's

mandatory meals
current affairs t.v.
moments stack
obligatory- seal the deal
sleeping back to
silence is sex in lack

crisis at quarter life
disbelief at forewarned
lovers; young
never supposed
cling to wedding-gift sheets
at night

do or die the
must be one or other
but which is the path
less barbed
scars are souvenirs
but who wants to
the marks of past love

either way's
inevitably to the other
what mistake do we
finally recognise
this dream started a fire
intentions no longer
but how
to've been preemptive
about ambition descending
when hope's
the kindling
of plans

oxygen starved
reduced from unity
whittled, charcoaled


Wednesday, May 14, 2008

our lives let the rain in.

a weathered terrace; our lives let the rain in
it wasn't like this from the beginning
house for a host, us two epiphytes
a backyard garden in spring

degradation gaining gradually
slow, steady; callously creeping
holes in walls now plain to be seen
stains brown the flower wallpaper

in the house we chose to reside
pictures in the hall tilt; misaligned
tired tokens of promises and plans
broken; no longer can hang

doors boarded, locks latched
the wind still sneaks through the cracks
coldly laughing it's gauntly gale
sending shivers along our backs

softly alight a wood fire remains
burning embers of earnest acts
but it's warmth is dampening out
with the wind and rain so rampant

you'd think a home called heart
if made well would last long enough
to see the seasons through
and shelter the inhabitants in love

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

love is inspiration

I decided then and there
to say you were my favourite
as your words and soft voice laboured over me
I savoured
you landed on my ears
endearing blatant inspiration
touched my lips with your heart
and honest instigation
drew on feelings I'd had
but lacked words to describe
on your eyes and insight for the world I was thriving
taking notions as seeds
planting them ripe underneath
the soil of my soul they begun sprouting indeciduous trees
of living and seeing
everything in a new daylight
the world changing all around me
a thousand horizons in sight
like clouds climbing mountains
as they descend they downpour
wetting everything you drowned
my hollow wells with thought
rivers spilled over
and ran to a sea of romantic dreaming
dotted across the oceans emerged fleets
of ships white and beaming
and carried your love in song
through my blood to every part of me

Sunday, May 11, 2008

we watched our parent's and theirs for too long.

young and impressionable
we watched our parent's pattern
of living for too long
giving up the chase for settling,
conditioning to confide in conformity
an all too familiar song

it's melancholy meanders;
resounding loudly through paper walls
of the houses in suburbs
seemingly unaware or knowingly uncaring
they let their souls turn nouns
from intransient verbs

all the words they speak
and sentences they live
hide secret desire to break free coupling's chains
they attempt to shield their heart's
mutual residency but
remanence doesn't apply to romance

it's hopeless or harmful explaining to them
what it means to or possibly how
you change and grow apart
it's too far from the beliefs
on which they created their sense of self
being born into and were brought up

it doesn't intrigue or even reach them
the idea that a person can be right
for a time and place
or searching for inspiration,
honest understanding and newness
dictates an inclination to chase

that divorce is just part
of the course for feeling alive;
a contingency, a 'just in case'
we need insurance, a measure of protection
that we don't die having
deprived ourselves or abased

the trend set before us
and expected of us is to trade
courting for company as we grow older
in every voice of the consumer
conscious world this idea that
we should settle and not wonder is sold

there's no equation to consider
how much forsaking and breaking
the heart can instigate and take
we can't hope to fathom or begin
to imagine and it scares us from our skin
and shitless to contemplate

the thought of what if
we run out of love to give
and have no way left to feel open and vulnerable
we can only see time linear;
in it's finite confines,
which dictates it must be impalpable

as a healer of all wounds
even if later over sooner;
our mind's aren't strong, we just can't endure longing
we live in dread of dying
before our due and not reaching
any true sense of belonging

why do we feel the need
like the dehydrated for water
to be owned by someone and others ourselves own
it seems a thematic characteristic
sown to society, which by
the majority we're shown

as the best compromise between
the pursuit of happiness or even contentment
and making atonement
for the tearing that bares upon
our biological instinct to nest and then
keep reproducing and die lonely

Saturday, May 10, 2008

our love to admire
and if lacking'll set to fire
and the smoke'll billow high
signaling the ending of our time

I'm so sick
and tired
and the fire's
doused out
the sky's
grey over
you and I;
it's plain
there's no doubt
we don't admire
each other
we only spout
for having
to adorn
our interests
and inspirations
in clouds
of dampened
for all we try
we can't
will the fight
this lying
to each other
"I love you"
ain't right
we must
end the pretending

to care
so intensely
and return
to how we
were before
or move on
to spurn
for greener pastures
your silence
holds no
you may say
in time
to pass it was
due us
by fate
but there's
no such
thing sweetie
there's just
you and me
and our collective
and porous
you and I
and our love
was just the
victim of

lust's instance
falling for
it's disguise
of surprise
for one another's
to be content
for a moment,
we created fiction;
we both
sowed it
into the seams
of our
that we were
meant to be
but it
towed us
under the
rip and we
into habit
and killed it
any possibility
of pursuing
passion eluded
us truly
whether you
acknowledge it
now, accept it
or regret us
we're through

Friday, May 9, 2008

If I Have To Go

Last night I dreamt of faring weather too cold for Autumn
you and I met on the corner with plans of getting warmer
over cigarettes and strong flat whites we talked of plights to be surer
we're deployed to implore more fervent ties to the time that we've got
and strike an urgency till we get merging into different lives and further plots

we're in express lanes on separate freeways headed to different coasts
towards verging futures with a past that leaves us at this moment so much to boast
many aspects of me are just you tangled up in rendition
things that pleasantly you either gave or I could take without permission
I know you're okay with it because they're the best parts you've to give
and it's this offering and taking of each other that I'm fucking going to miss

I awoke from the dream riddled with panic, at certain odds for ends
knowing your consistency and you're my guiding constellation as a friend
I'm unsure of how to mention all my hesitations to leave and fears
it's no secret from the vault that you're the only thing holding me here
and it's concurrent with the claustrophobic nagging of I have to flee
that you're the superfluously sole reason for if I leave I'll return quickly

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

hands in pockets

hopes hollow with hands in pockets
eyes eager in their sockets
you watch her locket
sway across, mocking you
with unbuttoned cleavage
her positioning keeping
just out of reach your willing hands
attempting awkward advances
in a lithic stance
she's just another girl fluting
confusing plans
she chooses you
a handsome muse
feeling nothing to lose
moves through the group
with glazed glacial intentions
with a facial expression
you can read like a book's blatant title
she sports a look in her eyes
that keeps you from surprise
as she kisses your neck
though she's missing a heart
you can't help but feel her lips
fueling foreign love's fire
from that very first touch
sparking an instant of flutter
you can't keep her pace
as poised she takes
and indulges your face
she's got nothing for breaking
and with yours she's making
her own ways
towards seduction
no reluctance
to leave you crumpled
after she's done
despite your deferred
delusional dilemma you whisper
you'll go home with her
ignoring the plea of your conscience to confer
with your logic and ration
she leads you out the door
arms round her loot in victorious fashion

Monday, May 5, 2008

The Brittle Melancholy

the brittle melancholy
surrounding her fervent following

of his drowning to generously join him
as desire's distant servant

breaks the walls of silence's cities
and makes him all the more determined

to resurrect his first objective
and put into perspective

what from the beginning he meant to be
and intended for them to achieve

the raising of the crucifix
that cried collusion and allusion

to their meeting and their pasts colliding
hung until their fighting tired

saw the skies all blackened
as the ties were severed

and angst timed their dying
with the storm's staggered lightening

acid red rain fell heavy and readied them for dead
leaving everything wet

a prophecy to tell them
and all who had eyes set upon their

getting together that they'd ended
and lust's trust no longer protected
their blatant fornicating
their hearts would haste to harden
as stone's cement setting

what messiah was their institution
of into each other as lovers

pedantry for possessing their respective souls
sunk their ship with troubles

because they couldn't hide their need to abide
by each others sexual offers

call response reactions lack reasoning
and couldn't restitute or recourse

the snowballing and flat falling
on their faces with failed fidelity

what got wound up in wonder was their likening
of love to riding a horse

that it can be pulled left or right by a bit in it's jaw
or whipped up to speed

what they found was a stallion
that couldn't be broken
but would throw them far out to sea


this here's a new place where my words become my face
my sleeves shown softly at the nights end
it's here my thoughts get traced
in whatever flows from my fickle displacing
you'll find lines laced with romance and displeasure
with people or the world and ideals about girls
the back catalogue of thoughts and ideas
is just a little window into my previous written world
friends and strangers sometimes my rhymes are lame
but what I write is based on honesty; fresh, frank from my mind
my folly is for memories, lost loves and notions of time

please continue to read.

I scream. You scream. We all scream for the person of our dreams

30 Apr 2008

at the approach to an ice cream parlour
after a dumpling laden dinner
lovers debate whether or not to enter
and I see you test tasting flavours
on a trampoline stick layered
at both ends with ice cream piled on soft and thick
something like lemon pie and hazelnut delight
and although they kinda make me sick
I'm tempted to get a cup just to try
and entice your look and make eye contact
but then I realise your style and you're
probably out of my league so I don't act
you leave with your friends take a seat outside
so I step to the window under fluorescent light
and start a cigarette and try to catch your glimpse
but since I'm not eating ice cream perhaps
you won't take a chance and give me your glance
so now we've an awkward stance
and for all my staring it doesn't seem to lapse
but inside the thought of you is causing
me a heart attack as opportunity gets glaring
my confidence isn't well fairing
and I'm blinded by your beauty long enough
to miss my chance whilst we walk polar opposites
I think you're picturesque; my ideal, seal the deal
with a kiss kind of girl but we're on winding paths
walking away from each other, all I can hope
is that someday we'll wander again into each other's world.
it makes me wonder now if I'd made more an effort
when we met at the urn of tea if at this moment
I'd have less to imagine because
we'd be sharing that ice cream
who are you and where did you fall from
are you an angel are you heaven sent
who am I and am I even close to worthy
how can I let you in on my romantic intent

drop a coin into the sea. but only whisper come back to me. it’s safer if no one hears you

28 Apr 2008

time's short for the rain to fall from the eve like the moment it takes to fall apart
as if a dream or deja-vu tonight reminds me of that park and having to depart
not so late at night as the norm from your place after the last conversation we had
when I asked or maybe demanded are you definitely all out so I could stop being sad

dinner then driving you home on the corner you told me what I already suspected
I'm good at assumptions and just as I thought you'd together with your ex resurrected
the course you were traveling on when our worlds collided and interjected
but in the moment with the engine off I forgot to tell you the cost your departure deflected

I loved you for an instance and do now somehow to some extent
and didn't realise till you'd left exactly how much to me you meant
as I drove off tonight I thought about the love it takes to become a man
and that it was quietened too early to let unfold fully my persuasive plan

on my way home I rounded a corner and dropped a coin into the sea
singing out loud I shouted out please come back to me
the coin dropped to the ocean floor and got sucked into the sand
it's wish remains stuck there with the love it takes to destroy a man

what feelings will reside for you in time to come I am unsure
perhaps one day I'll get brave enough and swim to that sandy floor
and retrieve my wish and take it back and put you out of my hopeful mind
or maybe you'll dive and see it shining from the deep blue and what you've lost you'll find


25 Apr 2008

love's a candle;

Whilst it burns it warms all around it and everything looks different.
But when it's extinguished it's just melted wax and ash.
And charred wick, indistinguishable from any craft it once was.
And for everything it kept from the cold it now suddenly seems more so.

It's so hard to disregard the harm
you cause for all that you assure
me you're cool, calm and charming
you've no qualm to take and break my world
you're a passive attack type of girl
who lies through the crack of her lips
having you is one thing I can't bring to quit
I'm smitten when you smile with longing, luscious desire
but I may's well start setting on fire
my life for you'll age me with haste
dig my grave and enslave me to my tomb
and during my wasting away you'll take
from me all I love but for now I simply can't
remove my eyes from your quiet entice
I want your taste on my tongue
I'm yearning for you to turn me on
fuck me now my disdainful burning love

knowing you're in love again
is when feelings surpass your marked one

23 Apr 200

you can't know you're again in love
till feelings surpass your marked one
its a tugging getting you in your heart
reminding you of the start of your last
consideration to all your cautious thinking
it feels something more,something different
perhaps escalating at a faster rate
it seems increasing on the benchmark,
as old notions of 'in love' depart

you wonder every time how you begin again
you're debating whether or not you're falling in
whether it's something else
maybe fleeting or just the unplanned meeting
of someone new and exciting
as inspired feelings take you
in surprise you find yourself floored
with being unsure and never having felt so alive

I asked this of a friend
how did they know a beginning from an end
they said you'd know it when it showed up
because everything you'd grown up
to call love and was made to seem small
and so long ago would interrupt
your very existence as a persistent
better grasping of what was in the past
making a new start from what you thought
would only be short lasting

Suddenly you realise
you're in a new casting
a new benchmark that's exploding
birthing a sky of new stars reaching far
across a black blanketed night
and though it's your dreams that give fright
to bridges still to be crossed
you've got to weigh up the cost
of not taking hold of the moments and times
you could stand in life's line
for a span and not make any progress
so now you should own it while it's yours

here's a theory
show and let the person know
you are vulnerable and it's palpable
and maybe they'll requite your actions
of all in and forgive any gender roles
forget assumptions and gladly rid of the conundrums
that shroud you now in cryptic cloaks
of the game between girls and blokes
pretending that love's a joke
when rather it's more like a yoke
that can easily wind up choking
if left to silence's subtractive sums

tips for shy chicks

23 Apr 2008

here're the tips for shy chicks wanting guys and their kiss
get making moments of meeting lips and hands brushing on hips
and bit by bit seducing unsubtle therefore producing lists
with lustful longings for your taking they'll hold out their hearts for the breaking
and take you into their worlds awaiting an awakening like an earthquake
shaking the foundations and notions of what girls can muster
there's no shame in a little hustling and if it takes you some busting
of moves on the dance floor be sure you lock looks
castle him like a rook and make sure he knows he's yours
make him believe that he needs you so if you leave him he'll plead
get him so he can't ignore that your brilliant and amazing
and then fuck him over and over make it an emotion rollercoaster
get under his skin and shock him like a five thousand volt taser.

the Friends ship set sail; unsure we had boarded we were left to hoard feelings for more

18 Apr 2008

typically though unrehearsed; in another time and place
in a parallel universe out there somewhere lost in space
you and I mightn't be so clear; we might have been two unlamented lovers
with less inhibitions, more masters of our fears and each the half to better the other

but with whirlwind weather we've worked too hard and have all too traveled our friendship
to locate those feelings of freedom in a new world or be guided by stars and let love enlist
the swooning platoon that'd be required to move our lips and let our tongues ravel and kiss
has sailed as a schooner surely and seaworthy, silently into the lack of affirmation abyss

resolved now we must hold back our tenderness toll, put us in focus and remain our steady aim
to hit homeward and on target our hearts no longer flames lit and watch what we do with our names
we have to take care they don't end up respective etchings on the stone tablets of our vulnerable souls
all the dreams of us together are escaping as ethers for all I that I pour they sift through possibility's plot holes

resigned we've quietly decided to be friendship providers
washing in waves, lapping at the feet of the future as a tide does
but never staying or forming rivers or crossing secret love's borders
torn twofold as we grow old, we're hiding our pining and in spite of poor timing we're friends but fools for our hoarding

his note & the lump in her throat. his sigh, her eyes remain dry

17 Apr 2008

An amazing thought occurred to him the other night. That perhaps he hadn't been in love yet. Now whilst some would consider this an impossibility considering his life until the moment it was a genuine wonder that excited his mind and heart. He had known love, given it and taken it; but had he truly been in it? He realised that he should probably feel some sadness, some melancholy or desperation to know for sure but he just couldn't bring himself to it.

He'd experienced a racing heart beat at someone's presence. He'd had the butterflies, the late night conversations, the looks, the kisses and the moments but were they really the sum of being in love? He tried to think back to all the people he'd given something to and wondered how much they'd given back. Not one of them, who occurred to him had given as much as he had. So, then maybe he had been in love. Maybe being in love was giving and just giving endlessly to another soul. Wanting and waiting to be given back to. To be given back.

No, he retorted silently to himself. He mustn't have been in love. Being in love is something you can't shake. It's a feeling that stays with you forever. No matter whether you've busted apart from that person or whether you're still with them or whatever. It's a staying feeling in your heart shaped brain that tells you forever that you've had them and been had and that whatever the circumstance surrounding you now you feel like there is or was never an end to the having.

The more he picked apart the philosophical ideas the more he concluded that he hadn't been in love. This stirred up something inside him. New possibilities, endless possibilities, adventure, frontiers, new and potential moments. He hurried himself to bed to quicken the passing of the night so he could awake to a new day and a new outlook on the world. Charmed with the notion of romance and one day falling in love he started to lose consciousness and dream.

He awoke to the sound of his alarm starting to chirp. It was becoming a pattern that he couldn't remember his dreams exactly. Not the people or the places at least. Though random conversations with faces that he knew but were just blank skin pink circles. His head was filled with rhetoric. The dreams always ended with him going to sleep and starting to dream. That was when he'd wake up. It was that panic feeling of fright he might not dream that seemed to instigate these lucid thoughts.

The sound of the chirping getting more frequent. He caught it before it escalated in volume. He turned back from the bedside chest of drawers to her and remembered in a brief second of wave of thought the last 2 and a half years. She slept quietly, unaffected by the alarm or the rising sun or the day creeping in. He put his arm around her waist, palm to her stomach and kissed the back of her neck. She stirred slightly and softly mumbled something incoherent. And stayed asleep. He slipped from the blankets and stepped flat footed, quietly across the carpet to the door. He carried his clothes and shoes and jacket under his arm to the bathroom to change. He buttoned his shirt, linked his cuffs, combed his hair, zipped his fly, laced his boots, buckled his belt and splashed his aftershave.

He scribbled the words onto her white board beside the fridge in the kitchen and paced slowly to the front door. He unlatched the lock, opened the screen door and pulled them both behind him. The brisk morning air tingled his neck and he flicked his scarf around, over his shoulder and walked. He lit a cigarette and thought about his note and wondered how she would be.

my winter weather leather gloves that hide my fingers from true feelings and love

14 Apr 2008

leather gloves keep my fingers
from lingering in this weather
but they're costing me frosting feelings
I all too often love to get lost in
it's a bond I've grown to know
and appreciation I tend to show
for the way the wind washes white
the life from my pinking worn skin

it's my favourite kind of cold
for all my evading of growing old
to set upon the snow
and all that's freezing at my feet
and let allow to please me
for a time at least till it melts

under the sun's heat the fluffy marshmallow sheath
lines a silk doily protecting the land underneath

as the day passes
and the mist warms on our glasses
I can wallow in the white washing wall
of snow wafting in tomorrow's fall
as snowflakes make signs;
frost floating in the sky
I watch wistfully the bliss for me
landing graciously at winter's call

every now and then
I feel urged to attend
the nagging plead of my cuticles to be plunged
in the beautiful pure knead
of water turned ice,
turned a soft that can suffice
the price of getting frost bite
for a moments pleasure of the cold

I'm determined feeling alive
is founded in the drive
to stand steady through winter's weather;
rain, hail, shine or snow
and I'm sure there's hope
for more of your favourite days of cold
spent kept up in warm blankets,
walking in the brisk night wrapped in jackets,
scarves and cigarettes dangling from your head
warm wood fires inside with several glasses of red wine
or coffee and chocolate and your lover lying beside
you tucked up in bed

"The Moment That It Takes To Fall Apart"

12 Apr 2008

I got in the car and heard them say...

The night starts here The night starts here Forget your name Forget your fear

The pleasure part The after thought The missing stone In the graveyard

The time we have The task at hand The love it takes To become a man

The dust at dawn Is rained upon Attaches itself To everyone

No one is spared No one is clean It travels places You've never been Or seen before

You drop a coin Into the sea And shout out,"Please come back to me!"

You name your child After your fear And tell them, "I have brought you here."

The pleasure part The after shock The moment that It takes the fall apart

The time we have The task at hand The love it takes To destroy a man

The ecstasy The being free That big black cloud Over you and me

And after that The upward fall And worry angels After all

I don't know I don't know


..I saw you standing at the opposite side of the ocean to me and the ocean was big and blue and massive and I don't know why but for all that it was big and insane I could still see you on the other side. I hate the beach and the ocean and don't like getting wet in the sea and feeling gross. But I saw you there and felt something I hadn't felt before and at some shock to myself (though I still knew it was going to happen at the same time) I stepped closer and closer to the waters edge.

It didn't occur to me to take off any of my clothes, except my shoes. My pointed toe, hand made leather fucking radical shoes. I unzipped them and left my socks in them at the water's edge. The waves lapped at my feet and I had no idea whether the tide was coming in or going out and it didn't really matter I guess, though I did wonder in the moment whether there was any symbolism going on with it.

I let the water splash onto my feet. Cold and so immediately unnerving. I continued my paces forwards and forwards, the water getting deeper and deeper. My ankles, my thighs, my waist, my chest. I could still see you standing there. You weren't moving your arms or legs but I could see the expression on your face. It was a kind of longing, genuine deep and intense look. A look that I just had to see closer and couldn't stop thinking about.

I jumped a little off the sandy ocean floor and threw myself forward into the opposing waves and thrust my arms forward and started kicking. I was swimming. I never swim. Never ever, ever. So I started free styling out into the ocean. I started imagining all the dangerous animals and creatures that lurked in the ocean. Imagined myself fighting and losing to giant squids, sharks, crocodiles (though they're more river or whatever) pelicans... that sort of thing.

Between breathes of air as I swam I got glimpses of you still looking towards me getting a little, little bit closer. Every now and then I thought you moved your arm though. Waving, beckoning me with your hand and a slight smile. But as each breathe got taken and I filled my eye sockets with salt water and urine and shit and whatever else the ocean's filled with I began to be unsure what I was seeing you do all together.

I continued swimming. It seemed like the longest time in the world, ever that I was swimming. But at the same time I knew it must have only been quite a short time. The ocean stretched on and on and I began to wonder how far it actually was to where you were and if I could ever even make it there.

My arms and legs started to get tired with all the swimming. I was taking moments to just bob and float now and then to catch myself. It wasn't really working. I began to feel like this ocean was never ending. I started to think that maybe I could be swimming forever. You still in my sight, maybe getting closer. But now I wasn't sure. I was aware of my thinking that my mind may be playing tricks on me. I wondered when I last drank any water and hydrated myself. If only I could drink the sea water and urine cocktail.

I kept swimming until my arms and legs became jelly and wouldn't move anymore, except to flail about mindlessly. The weight of my body in the water was becoming too much to hold up and I started giving myself to gravity and the sea; little by little. I knew I was sinking but somehow it felt okay. Just to relax and stop fighting and trying and swimming for a bit. The sight of you was growing more and more hazy as the salty water turned my eyes red and stung. And for all my rubbing just got worse. You were fading.

I was drowning. I knew I was drowning. I couldn't help it. It was too far to try and swim back to shore. And the other side seemed like a mirage that I could never reach. Just the thought of another stroke made me sick in the stomach. Or maybe that was all the plankton and algae and shit and shit.

I started sinking, water was filling my lungs and my brain was in a crazy state of panic, though there was something serene about all the blue and green and black and nothing around me. I wondered if this was all death was, just sinking to the bottom of the ocean. I kind of hoped that I'd see a light shining from the surface down at me then see an anchor or a rope drop and someone climb down to me. But it was only a 'kind of' thought. I knew it could never be you. Though you were an amazing swimmer I knew that life saving wasn't your style. For all my imagining. Again. Nothing happened.

Then I woke up and realised I'd somehow managed to tip my bedtime, night time glass of water all over my face and chest and rolled off my bed onto the floor and was laying on my stomach. I looked towards the bed and you were still there. Motionless. Asleep. Unaware that any of the above had taken place. I watched your eyes. Closed, they still moved and seemed to be focused on something. Perhaps I was in your dream too. Perhaps you were imagining me in the ocean and you swimming past and taking my hand and teaching me how to swim. Different strokes though. Perhaps.

Maybe you were dreaming the same as me. But with the ocean between us you motioned for me to swim towards you and watched me immerse myself in the unkind water and wade out, swimming stroke after stroke. But maybe you knew that the ocean was greater than it appeared and although you waved me across you knew I'd never make it. You knew I would drown and sink and that my lungs would fill with salt-piss-poo-shark loving water and then my heart would stop. Maybe you just wanted to see how far I'd get.

I wonder if I got as far as you expected. I wonder if I hadn't made the lunge if you ever would have noticed. If you ever would have beckoned. Maybe you're not dreaming of me at all. Maybe you're not even dreaming. Maybe you're just asleep. Maybe I'm still dreaming.

straight lines

10 April 2008

there's something about you and I and straight lines
like a ladder that ascends you just have to climb
why'm I realising now perhaps it's your timing
that your tights tore a run resulting in our talking

the way it is with these signs maybe I require stability
so I trace your run and embrace my fragility
it's a weird place to encounter our meeting of minds
find such similar conclusions to conspicuous allusions

here's a thought what if the straight lines met stains
like they couldn't be repaired or simply erased
what could our brains being out late tonight refrain
on our never ending narrative of fiction freight train

you've got the feeling for the words I stake my claim on
I don't have to take time to explain my frantic actions
when a notion brushes my brain and the words fall like rain
you just sit beside me and say take your time dear
you've got me intrigued and listening, whisper secrets to my ear

pleasure, pain and provocation

10 April 2008

have you finally tired of too frequent late nights being left wired
after conversations so intense it makes clear our observations
of each other in familiar contexts is it just me or is it your sex
that's tending towards our setting apart despite my loyal fight
all my efforts and my attempts at getting you leave me vexed

will you stand to correct my display of my sleeves' stapled seductive intent
I've told you and you know I've no regrets and nothing to repent
I'll rest easier knowing I'm letting vent and my dissent is getting spent
as our game drags on and on we've covered all that's right and wrong
it's time you bared your open hands or ceased their indecisive wavering
time's out to approach your apprehension
leave or make me part of your plans

the vacancy sign’s flashing on your hotel lacking rationale

10 April 2008

what strikes me about fidelity is it's vacancy between you and me

can I forget your two timing efforts and be oblivious that you've not yet left
him for me or I for him do you realise the fucking sin you're committing
let alone your temptation and desire to reignite your passion and fire for him
make it a time to repent and stop being a liar and show me you can try
for all depends on your honesty don't be turned into Lot's wife please
make an aim true and steady and ready yourself to seize me and cease your wicked ways.

inhibited in the minute by a machine that stops my dreams but resolves my craving of caffeine

09 Apr 2008

from the outside I think I see you. Is it my imagination or hopeful truth
taking a seat I know I’m invisible and to my friends I’m all too missable
I have my drink and take my time to sit and take the night in with Morrisey and The Smiths
when I go to leave and pay I’ve been wondering what I’ll say in that minute or less that I get

as I step to the counter you round to me and then the coffee machine inhibits me
and I forget all the things I’d thought out in my head then walking away I kick myself at what I said
and though I’m sure you noticed my interest you’re understandably busy with the order post-its
I’ve got too much time to spare and probably let you know that I care that this
separation and severing is getting to me and a lack of talking takes my thinking frequently

for all the conversations I make up, my mind’s empty and disheveled. Is my clarity disappearing?

warm and still

06 Apr 2008

He held her head with the bend of his elbow and lifted his hand slightly to turn her head towards him. Feeling her willing neck twist he rolled his weight onto his elbow and rested just above her. They were lying on the blankets of the made bed, heads at the pillow end in the stillness. So much stillness.

Those eyes he thought. He looked down into those eyes, which, had so much untold history in them. He felt lost in them for what seemed like too long but as he became aware of his staring realised must have only been a second or two. He’d seen that look, her look before. Though he was still so unsure what it meant.

Her lips as serious as he’d ever seen them distracted him momentarily then then he shifted back to her eyes. The dark of the room lit only by candles had allowed her pupils to open making her eyes seem larger than normal. He took her whole face and look into account and hoped somewhere in his mind it would file away as a photo or memory that he could recall one day.

That thought in half a second turned into a decision to kiss her. He did. He felt her lips meeting his and was immediately aware of the difference from all the others he’d ever kissed and was taken aback at how nice they felt. He turned his face left and right as they kissed wanting and trying to see how her kiss was from every angle. He pulled slightly on her lower lip with his and then pushed firmer to hers and finally lifted off making his last kiss on her nose.

He rolled back taking the weight off his elbows, now noticing his strain and rested on his side. She turned to him and resumed her look from before. He smiled, his big natural smile and locked his eyes with hers. He asked her what and watched her lips move repeating his question back. He repeated what’s that look for and he watched her eyes move their concentration slightly from his as if watching something run across his shoulder. Nothing she whispered quietly and rolled over leaving him the look of her smooth naked back. He pulled himself closer, pressing his chest to her back and whispered a quiet okay into her ear. Then he closed his eyes and kissed her neck. The candles flickered. The room stayed warm and still

my midnight malignant melanoma

03 Apr 2008

midnight retrospective I’m no moonlight casanova
but terminally you’re taking me like a malignant melanoma
burying deep under my skin, infecting and quickly spreading
burning intrigue through my blood and doing my head in

there’s no antibiotic or cutting to cure me of your affliction
and I won’t tell you to stop it cause you’re a natural instinction
you rob me of my witty words when you press me to your lips
I lose track of all my thoughts when you tilt towards my kiss

I’m wishing upon a next time to take you and make you mine
forgetting what I think are signs, remembering to dim the lights
for all that you’re bizarre and not who or what I thought or expected
in reflection I’m glad to be surprised and for the term my heart you’ve sentenced.

do you realise?

28 Mar 2008

if i’m not allowed to fall i must be still and stand alone
it won’t take long before i drop with nothing to lean on
being thrown, skipping across the meniscus a smooth stone
skimming away from you until gravity says plop

i dislike that you ask me why and demand to know what’s the point
you seem to appoint me with confidence, the task of the ’us’ talking
which causes me to confess of my interest through you’re daunting
and all i’ve felt between us; is that we’re getting closer for all our caulking

it seems to me you’re hiding and not letting in through the cracks
the way our minds analyse, get disjointed and then let us act
with more honest intentions than we know, as if it’s okay to turn our backs
so the way it play’s we tend to hide behind walls of inspiration and facts

well to chance to drop into the pond or not; i’ve no other choice to take
because if i don’t and i let you go, you might have to fight your mistake
of what i’m worth as that smoothed stone in your hands before you throw
and looking to the stars i’m someone you should take the time and heart to know

so now with flaming lips do you realise exactly what you might miss
that whatever this is, if we’re just friends; why’s it feel so good for us to kiss
i go crazy when you’re with me; to have you in my arms and disarm your intelligence
and feel you close like you can be, if you choose to honestly say yes.

it's dreamy weather

25 Mar 2008

you are the kind of refugee that makes a home within your dreams
for all that your love’s imagining, some things aren’t exactly as they seem
as moments and romances anchor and sail, your heart you slowly give away
to all of those who take their toll; part of your soul they’ll always stay
as a piece of you in one manner or another and you’ll never let yourself forget
the way they make you feel at times about your endings and your regrets

there’s a sad tune that plays in your mind on these cold and bitter nights
when the weather gets bad and your dreams are riddled with nostalgic frights
I hate to think you’ll be stuck alone forever with no one to calm your waters
your mind wanders alone about in forests overgrown with awkward pauses
creatures are sentences left unfinished and thoughts that escape you tepidly dread
hesitations to make moves on the loves you had are waiting for you when you’re dead

so try and wring every instance and encounter of feeling, emotion and connection
and bind up a swag of all your heartfelt intentions and dreams of resurrection
through all of the fog seeking redemption of your pining you steer towards her glowing city
so when you arrive in the middle of the night and you’re all needy ask her to take pity
request after your soaking that she take you in for a while and don’t dare let yourself resign
to feelings of no worth or compromise; you’ll make her yours through this stormy time

don’t let the magic of the moment become too much for you

24 Mar 2008

the room is dark and the stillness obvious and though there’s thunder the rain’s yet to fall
listening to the music we missed but one stars song after we kissed and I was glad I gave it my all
for if the moment’s but that and not fleeting but never repeating; I’ll not let a distance creep in
I’ll remember you as you were and I as I held you and how your sincerity broke down the walls

the day was long but time went so fast and I though I’m not sure what will last
I realised you’ve been worth everything and I’d not change an instance that’s passed
because to’ve not lain beside you in the darkness of my room would’ve been too easily a mistake
so as it stands now whether you’ve got me or I’m just a wishful thought, I cannot regret that I asked

thursday seems so far but with this weather it’ll fly as the season’s coming to a change
for all that I thought I knew about love, I found in my heart there’s been some things to rearrange
to fit you in wasn’t hard but to make you comfortable perhaps, ’cause the walls were peeling with outdated paper
so my bed now is made and there’s still something I save in contemplation as our hearts come of age

if you’re a truth I grow to know, then you get that I’ll show it and not hold back my love or advances
we’ve both seen our two hearts meet and neither one of us can be sure, but what’s it worth to not employ the circumstances
leaving behind the cloaks and daggers of the beginning it’s clear there’s more than possibly imagined could be
I’m not into fortune telling or getting my hopes high but it’s impossible to ignore these sort of romances

Tap. Tap. Tap...

20 Mar 2008

She tapped at the keys.

The recurring, clicking sound of fast paced fingers. They tapped at his head, trying to remove his skull, slide in and scoop out his brain.

The more she typed the more that her fingers succeeded and sunk themselves in. Her nails piercing and cuticles devouring as she ripped apart all the thoughts inside, replacing them with herself.

He was helpless.

Sitting at the screen he watched the words; sharp and hardy nails hammering into his heart; unable to be withdrawn or smoothed over. Each paragraph seemed to lacquer the last. Coating it so it would stain and be forever tarnished. Glossed, so that everyone to come that would walk over or past it would see what was done and there could be no resolve.

Perhaps to rip the boards up and start new, but even then there were foundations that could not be taken and would forever stay as part of the history of his heart. They could only remain, so that everything new built upon it would have to accept that it was already there and would be forever.

He prosed his thoughts and leaned forward to tap the keys back. Hoping he could scrounge his own staples to retort her stinging, violent words. But as much as he willed he couldn’t. Not for all his despair, could he muster any anguish or spite.

He couldn’t find the actions to lay his fingers upon any venom. So a silence fell between them. In the silence that was already obvious to each of them of their physical and emotional distance. Propelling them further and further, to galaxies apart.

The small words in front of him he kept reading over and over tore larger and larger; searing holes in him. He tried to remedy them with console and rationale but everything he layered and dressed just kept bleeding and dying. Falling through his dermis collecting on his flesh.

Until he couldn’t take it any longer

deciduous reaching over us. littering romance on the pool surface

16 Mar 2008

at the house where we met there’s a deciduous tree
it was autumn; the leaves turning golden from green
the tree branches over a pool reminding a couple fairing time
the foliage lands and floats around turning still blue into sublime

the seasons show in the state of swimming that the pool entices
and the weather between you and I shows us what the price is
to pay for having tried to fair longer than our spring due us
and as the next winter settles in a bitter wind rips coloured blades through it

like the tree in it’s deciduousness you decided to get rid of us
throwing away to the breeze all of the leaves that made up
the extensive coverage of foliage that could bloom flowers and nests
now we’re bare, just branches and exposed turning into food for insects

there was no evergreen ever to be seen for us beside that pool
watering, fertilizing and sun shining was all they could teach us at school
sometimes even nurturing can’t stop the wind’s blowing
as the seasons come and go I hope your leaves start to regrow

red sea

08 Mar 2008

he tried all he could to be better but failed
and he was blind reading braille while his eyes bled
so much they drowned in a sea of deep red
and covered his pupils and trickled and traced
down his face to his lips and all the sin he could taste
searing his tongue, stopping his words in a haste
and silence fell upon him and the conversation
came to an end but no apology he could persuade her
of as he was left with nothing to lure her grace

her eyes were clear but almost glazed with tears
running a trace down the lines to the place
where she could purse them and taste in them
the saltiness which on her mouth were a bitterness
and all the water she rained out dripped off her chin south
hitting the ground and seemed to create an ocean
and for all her crying she was still no closer to absolving
his red sea of despise that was polluted with the lies
he told and the mutated creatures that featured in the fables told

they both turned their backs to one another
and knew in their hearts the seas couldn't be parted
that when the fire was burning for them they smothered
it and starved it of the fuel that kept the flame lit
and in their imaginations they ran over all they'd miss
for them there was no promised land, they'd return to slavery
but it was admirable they both understood the bravery
which they upheld for the length that they did and
they'll forever remember how they fought for it

Saturday, May 3, 2008

nobody’s up except the moon and me

14 Mar 2008

I’m all too often imagining more than seems ever to occur
and surely my complexity, by now you’ve managed to incur
but perhaps you’ll get this more than most can glimpse or grasp
so tell me soon if or not of you this is something I can ask

if there’s an early close, would you come out late
or would you shrug me off and my company debate
is it too much to ask; to spare your time and thought
your smile and charm for a moment and my ploy not be ignored

your beauty runs an underground river, below the pretty surface
where as age and time pass over you they won’t ever hurt it
and it’s so hard to connect with someone; let alone so freely
so if you’ve got some time would you take it out to meet me

I’d say there’s such thing as a closeness that connects two souls
it’s in not often having to naively ask or be forever told
intimacy is born between eyes and a pairing of understandings
it’s an intrigue and an admiration without being demanding

I wonder if there’s a place where as you are now you’ll always be
I’d like to hope it’s real and not making home amidst my dreams
because I never recall my late night thoughts when I wake from sleep
and memories of you and I are one’s I’m trying to keep

I know a song, one of my favourites; your name is in the title
if you heard it, you’d get my notion; but chances of that aren’t likely
one day you’ll hear it and know I’m playing it so you’ll stop and listen
and maybe then I’ll have persuaded you and see it worth all my insisting

I know I’m filled with cynicism, but romantic inclinations overrule
In matters of the heart I’m no master, but in honesty I’ve been schooled
time and again by life’s humourous cruelty and people being overprotective
you know where to find me. I hope my words are enough of an obtension

memories are tears

03 Mar 2008

I've a strange tugging on my heart
it's more than a tug, it's an anvil anchor
sunk to the sea on a rusting chain

I cry a few tears as I come apart
I'm not sure if or what to thank her for
as for too long she's caused too much pain

all my life I know I'll carry this regret
and shame for not knowing who she was
or all the different ways she tried to love

there's so much I manage to forget
and when I'm asked why I say because
all the memories I have aren't good enough

years keep passing and she's still the same
it's exhausting love and hate
I stop my tears and whisper; mother was her name

I once fell in love in a six hour conversation

02 Mar 2008

I once fell in love with a girl in a six hour conversation
she was smitten with radiohead and a brilliant animator
she'd quit smoking but all night my cigarettes we shared
I told her I didn't want to get married and she replied she didn't care
she had stories to tell of traveling and about her past
and I hoped all the while we talked the moment could forever last
when the remains of the beer went and it rounded about three
I asked to kiss her and tilted my head and she turned hers away from me
giggling a no she wasn't abrupt and the proceeding time not awkward
I said that's fine and heaved a sigh, I felt no need to force it
I did however get her number and somehow she took mine
and we exchanged previously discussed conversation ending lines
in the days following I called her up to tell her how I felt
she didn't return my messages and I couldn't hide how I dealt
not as quickly as I fell in love did I discard thoughts of her and I as possibility
but I was so angry at how she treated me and her complete lack of sincerity
we haven't spoken since that night though she comes to my mind often
I suppose there's a longing in my soul still that continues to hope her heart'll soften
I won't forget the day we met when she said I was somewhat of an eccentric
and of how when I said rock 'n' roll she said yeah electric

freeway, cars & trucks.

29 Feb 2008

headed home on the eastern I tune into Tom
he takes me for a ride while I sing along
a perfect end to a stormy night's dreary drain
on my soul and my health and he eases my pain

I've driven freeways and highways all to nowhere
In my time I've had my fair share of accidents and scares
and when I think of how I'm gonna get home to be safe and sound
only one name comes to mind and I say it out a loud

I'm passin' rigs and commuters and tourists and cops
I'm watchin' the street signs and lookin' out for a cheap coffee shop
late night, close time; everyone's goin' to bed or packin' up
All I'd care for is a cigarette and a dimattina's cup

well I compromise and get me a cheeseburger and a drip filter black
clock's showin' 'round 'bout 3am and all the cabbys are gettin' slack
the drunks are pourin' onto the streets and they're fallin' and stumblin'
they all got what I got; that tummy growlin' and rumblin'

romance is dead after the clock hits two four double zero
and the girls are takin' home any guy; criminal or hero
and me, I contemplate askin' one of them ladies for a light
and I wonder how I'd fair with one of those punks in a fight

sleepless nights keep makin' me crazy and I feel myself gettin' old
I'm a ticking time bomb with no counter I'm just waitin' to explode
I might just roll into bed and crash for a day or two or three
call in sick for work, take the phone off the hook and just be

ahh my dreams scatter like bats shifting just before intersection
all the while I'm still drivin' street lights illuminatin' in reflections
my driveway at last and I'm home where dawn awaits
do I light another cigarette and sit on the porch I debate

he stored his love and his life in boxes in the cupboard and under the bed.

27 Feb 2008

the moment left him. He wondered if it would return someday as a fond memory or an unsettling thought. Her objection in refusing him was saddening. More so than previous times, with other girls. For this time he felt like he really did love a person. Her. More than just a crush, he adored her and appreciated all of the small things about her.

The way she tied her hair up in a small pony tail for work. How her teeth were unusually, but attractively bright white. The slight rose to her cheeks and how she looked a little flustered all the time. The necklace that hung low around her collar and was dainty enough to compliment her smile. Charming and modest. The awkwardness of her address to him when she spoke, though with moments of confidence.

He could not help but think that his attention to detail would go unappreciated and unnoticed. Once again he became as small as a fly on a wall and felt as significant. Reduced to watching the world around him but not being able to truly interact with it and a seeming nuisance.

Looking back over old photos. Past loves and desires. He realised that she would likely fade into another one of the envelopes or boxes that he kept all the pieces of his heart in. In his room. In his wardrobe. Under the bed. She would be forgotten in years to come and only recalled in moments like the one he was already starting to lose.

He began to think that love was like that. It was so fleeting and inconsistent. He wondered how it was possible to love someone for the entirety of his life. How could he not have a heart filled with different loves.

His final thought as he went to sleep was that he was likely the sum of all his loves in life. That one day, someone would get the pouring out of all the love and sorrow and sadness and mist that was him. Hopefully they'd connect with it and want it and understand it. Perhaps they'd be the same as him. Perhaps they'd want the same as him.

He slept and he dreamed of falling in love and what it felt like and what it might feel like with someone else. It was one of the most beautiful dreams he'd had in a long time

time’s like a broken watch

26 Feb 2008

time tortures me repeatedly till I can't wait any longer
my mind condenses profusely and I whittle and I ponder
your lack of actions and decision and my hesitation to advance
I'm wound up, I'm bound to your fateless contradictory plans

you snare me and lure me and turn me into your slave
I endure you and try to move you but you're a sleuth to my prey
you pretend you don't hear me when you know I call for rescue
you repeatedly give up on us, you say I keep leaving you bemused

I'm a broken watch that needs winding but you've no need for the time
you're impermeable to my charm and resist the sincerity of my lines
every sentence from you is sadly contentious and leaves me vexed
I can't work out what you're thinking or what you're wanting of me next

how does a pretty face like yours let your soul betray me with such force
it's so easy to let you creep into my heart, where you cut rough and coarse
you banded me to a wagon; rolled me downhill to roads less taken
you made it beyond evident you stopped loving me and my trust you are forsaking

I'll be lucky to crawl away from you my with my limbs still attached and working
the shameful and pensive memory of you and I perforating continues hurting
your disinterest in my comfort makes me despise the way you watched us wilting
and did nothing to protect us or venture towards prevention of us jilting

I'm an old flame now that burns vengefully mastering scorned spite
I've got contempt in me yet; you don't know the hate I can requite


23 Feb 2008

He boarded a train to the city. It was the coldest summer day of the season. He was wearing black pants, a light blue shirt with French cuffs. A black belt with a brass buckle. A woolen winter coat and a black woolen scarf. The light drizzle of rain was beading on his coat and dripping onto his shoes getting steadily heavier. His black leather boots.

He watched his feet as they clacked on the pavement away from the station. Watching the city buildings around him in the reflections on the roads. Glancing up every few seconds to avoid a collision with someone, he dragged on his cigarette that he clutched between his fingers, holding it to the wind.

He was unfamiliar with the city, more so than seemingly everyone around him. Who all seemed busied and rushing by at a worryingly frantic pace. He wondered if the world was coming to an end and no one had bothered to tell him. He kind of hoped it was.

He stopped at a corner and looked up; flicking his damp hair from his eyes to read the street sign. It was bent, so you couldn't tell if it was pointing to the street straight ahead or to the left. Deciding left was a suitable change, he kept walking. For a moment his thoughts were not riddled with street directions, commuters, buildings and his cigarette and he found himself thining of her.

Whilst only a moment, it seemed like the longest thought and the slowest thought he'd had all day. His mind's eye was at her work and she was friendly and cute and touched his shoulder. And he instinctively put his hand on his own shoulder, pretending to be brushing the rain from it, but actually wanting to see if he actually remembered what her touch felt like. He couldn't.

He thought of her voice and tried imagining something she said to him in his head and what her voice sounded like. But she sounded just like him. He walked through the door of the coffee shop and sat down out the back. Lighting another cigarette he ordered a strong flat white. He realised his thoughts were wistful once again and it made him think of the last ten years. Not much had changed. He, really hadn't changed. He was still the same 12 year old boy, consumed by the possibilities of people not liking him but knowing he was likable but unsure how to convince them so.

It occurred to him that so many times what made him most sad, was that he just wanted a chance. He thought he was at least worth a chance. He wondered if it was really that much to ask for.

Taking the first sip of coffee that arrived hot and cozy and tasted so immediate, he brushed the rain off his shoulder again and closed his eyes for a second. Sighing to himself he decided that this would be his new place. But here, he wouldn't be so sincere, he would guard his heart with caution and he wouldn't be so sad.
22 Feb 2008

I tried being nice, I tried being sincere and you threw it back in my face
you gave me a feeble sorry and a let down story dressed in lace
as if the prettier your fable, the more believable you'd be in rejection
but instead you just make me angry, your lies are no protection

I can't stand being told you know I'm nice how do you think that makes me feel
are you saying you don't want it that way are you saying that breaks the deal
well I can't read your mind, I don't get how you play, there's something you're not telling
I feel like for how nice we're being it's bullshit and we should be yelling

I feel sad about how you said no, though in the kindest way you thought you could
I'm emotional and contemplative and can only think of what would
and can't now and of how you should have taken a chance on me and seen
what might've and what maybe I know I am becoming and can be

Your rejection makes me think of primary school, a particular school excursion
when I gave a girl a friendship band as incentive, evidence and persuasion
of how I've been trying for so long to be a nice guy, genuine and sincere
but every time I'm just myself it gets me nowhere and my heart just seems to sear

I guess I'll still see you at times though I don't know if friends we'll be
and I know for a long time to come I'll wonder what if about you and me
to you I'm sure I'll just be a memory of when you felt good or a passing flatter
But I hope one day when you feel alone you consider how much to me you mattered

I dreamt I was dead and of what you said about my coming to end.

17 Feb 2008

In this dream I was a corpse on an autopsy bench, they were taking my body apart.
Removing my organs, dissecting carefully and slowly, suddenly they stopped at my heart.
They observed with curiosity and screamed get a biopsy, they believed my heart was infected.
They knifed my heart from my chest and removed it best as they could placing it upon the bench.

They looked it over and found that up closer it was clear it was riddled with cancer.
As they debated the cause I awakened a hollow corpse and proceded to answer their questions.
In my life up to my death; many lost loves I'd kept, many moments of love turned sour had invaded
My reasoning somehow seemed to make sense to them and on my behalf it took little persuading.

In the next part of my dream I was suddenly beside you, still empty but holding my heart in my palms
You said what have you there and I said like you've ever cared It's just what I've been bearing the whole time.
You asked did I die from a broken heart like a fairytale story gone wry or a bad move script line.
I looked into your eyes they were almost as black as mine and retorted broken ain't right.

I spent so much of my life letting carcinogens attend to what I thought was the cure for my aching.
You said well it's not my fault you're like this and I said well ignorance is bliss. Never the less you're truly mistaken.
I took my dripping blood lump of heart back to the surgeons and said well it's no good to me now.
They said well rest in peace and we'll try at least to let time have it's way and heal your heart

I lay myself down and softly spoke all the best, I've let years try and mend the damage done.
The last part of the dream I recall before waking was the sound of the doctors joking how I thought that you were the one.

I hate your assumptions. They’re like lumps in my throat.

17 Feb 2008

STOP assuming that what you read's got the seeds of hate and despise
stop telling people what you think I'm saying, you're telling fucking lies
if you want to know what I've truly to say, then ask and you'll know the truth
there's much about me you're in the dark on, more than you know I've got ruth

you can heal from sticks and stones but words break more than bones
for all that you read, my words are less arrows than they are to atone
I know for me what I write isn't to say from my sight about what happened to her and I
It's more to sort out my heart on my world around me, I hate that you think I'm otherwise trying to imply.

So hold haste to your insights and don't utter another nuisance or console
this paragraph or three is to caution your failing conscience and immature soul
If my words are too vague and you can't help but feel plagued with possibility
then woe to you for your greedy taking, you'll soon meet my ulterior hostility

on the banks of the south I was the odd one out.

16 Feb 2008

As I walked from the casino I realised they were five who
didn't know who I was or who I became.
To them I was but for a haircut and shoes just the same.
The years not having changed anything, but rearranged some habits and habituating.

All the years they passed stagnating I was remolding and recreating.
Some change I hate, but I know is inevitable
and I debate how much I show I care that they're not my people.
I don't want to preach to them under my sophistication steeple.
I just want to be understood and not seen as a weakling.

Still for all of my efforts I can't help but wonder why I'm seeking
their approval and nod when I know I could remove them and not
have any doubt in my mind I could move on and be fine.
Cause I have real friends who get me and care and will let me
speak to them wisely and never know that once upon a time
I complied just to satisfy. Who to me will be nothing but nice.

memories & previous plans

other people waiting

we're not strangers anymore