The Punish Of Wonder

I punish myself for wondering what is
and contemplating my once disposition
as if in hindsight I might find that I
rightly decided with a mind of non-fiction

but my hindsight only arouses a doubt
that I've sacrificed my foresight desire
I'm persuaded now that I made a mistake
my mind's tired in its fighting to respire

I let my lungs be scarred by soot and tar
and my throat scored and broken by smoke
if to just be able to only rasp your name
the most I deserve, as consequence, to hope

it's like my dying lungs took my breath
and wrung all the life I'd left to give
as I felt you with tears in my eyes disappear
and realised to be near you's to live

can I say I'm sorry for the road I made
for myself, well not with entire remorse
but truth's I regret the chance I'll never get
to know any but the now chosen course

clear to me like the grey plume my abode
is love's known only as found when lost
you can draw any conclusion but the evident truth is
that it's never knowing: the sonorous cost