Saturday, May 3, 2008

he stored his love and his life in boxes in the cupboard and under the bed.

27 Feb 2008

the moment left him. He wondered if it would return someday as a fond memory or an unsettling thought. Her objection in refusing him was saddening. More so than previous times, with other girls. For this time he felt like he really did love a person. Her. More than just a crush, he adored her and appreciated all of the small things about her.

The way she tied her hair up in a small pony tail for work. How her teeth were unusually, but attractively bright white. The slight rose to her cheeks and how she looked a little flustered all the time. The necklace that hung low around her collar and was dainty enough to compliment her smile. Charming and modest. The awkwardness of her address to him when she spoke, though with moments of confidence.

He could not help but think that his attention to detail would go unappreciated and unnoticed. Once again he became as small as a fly on a wall and felt as significant. Reduced to watching the world around him but not being able to truly interact with it and a seeming nuisance.

Looking back over old photos. Past loves and desires. He realised that she would likely fade into another one of the envelopes or boxes that he kept all the pieces of his heart in. In his room. In his wardrobe. Under the bed. She would be forgotten in years to come and only recalled in moments like the one he was already starting to lose.

He began to think that love was like that. It was so fleeting and inconsistent. He wondered how it was possible to love someone for the entirety of his life. How could he not have a heart filled with different loves.

His final thought as he went to sleep was that he was likely the sum of all his loves in life. That one day, someone would get the pouring out of all the love and sorrow and sadness and mist that was him. Hopefully they'd connect with it and want it and understand it. Perhaps they'd be the same as him. Perhaps they'd want the same as him.

He slept and he dreamed of falling in love and what it felt like and what it might feel like with someone else. It was one of the most beautiful dreams he'd had in a long time

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