12 Apr 2008
I got in the car and heard them say...
The pleasure part The after thought The missing stone In the graveyard
The time we have The task at hand The love it takes To become a man
The dust at dawn Is rained upon Attaches itself To everyone
No one is spared No one is clean It travels places You've never been Or seen before
You drop a coin Into the sea And shout out,"Please come back to me!"
You name your child After your fear And tell them, "I have brought you here."
The pleasure part The after shock The moment that It takes the fall apart
The time we have The task at hand The love it takes To destroy a man
The ecstasy The being free That big black cloud Over you and me
And after that The upward fall And worry angels After all
I don't know I don't know
..I saw you standing at the opposite side of the ocean to me and the ocean was big and blue and massive and I don't know why but for all that it was big and insane I could still see you on the other side. I hate the beach and the ocean and don't like getting wet in the sea and feeling gross. But I saw you there and felt something I hadn't felt before and at some shock to myself (though I still knew it was going to happen at the same time) I stepped closer and closer to the waters edge.
It didn't occur to me to take off any of my clothes, except my shoes. My pointed toe, hand made leather fucking radical shoes. I unzipped them and left my socks in them at the water's edge. The waves lapped at my feet and I had no idea whether the tide was coming in or going out and it didn't really matter I guess, though I did wonder in the moment whether there was any symbolism going on with it.
I let the water splash onto my feet. Cold and so immediately unnerving. I continued my paces forwards and forwards, the water getting deeper and deeper. My ankles, my thighs, my waist, my chest. I could still see you standing there. You weren't moving your arms or legs but I could see the expression on your face. It was a kind of longing, genuine deep and intense look. A look that I just had to see closer and couldn't stop thinking about.
I jumped a little off the sandy ocean floor and threw myself forward into the opposing waves and thrust my arms forward and started kicking. I was swimming. I never swim. Never ever, ever. So I started free styling out into the ocean. I started imagining all the dangerous animals and creatures that lurked in the ocean. Imagined myself fighting and losing to giant squids, sharks, crocodiles (though they're more river or whatever) pelicans... that sort of thing.
Between breathes of air as I swam I got glimpses of you still looking towards me getting a little, little bit closer. Every now and then I thought you moved your arm though. Waving, beckoning me with your hand and a slight smile. But as each breathe got taken and I filled my eye sockets with salt water and urine and shit and whatever else the ocean's filled with I began to be unsure what I was seeing you do all together.
I continued swimming. It seemed like the longest time in the world, ever that I was swimming. But at the same time I knew it must have only been quite a short time. The ocean stretched on and on and I began to wonder how far it actually was to where you were and if I could ever even make it there.
My arms and legs started to get tired with all the swimming. I was taking moments to just bob and float now and then to catch myself. It wasn't really working. I began to feel like this ocean was never ending. I started to think that maybe I could be swimming forever. You still in my sight, maybe getting closer. But now I wasn't sure. I was aware of my thinking that my mind may be playing tricks on me. I wondered when I last drank any water and hydrated myself. If only I could drink the sea water and urine cocktail.
I kept swimming until my arms and legs became jelly and wouldn't move anymore, except to flail about mindlessly. The weight of my body in the water was becoming too much to hold up and I started giving myself to gravity and the sea; little by little. I knew I was sinking but somehow it felt okay. Just to relax and stop fighting and trying and swimming for a bit. The sight of you was growing more and more hazy as the salty water turned my eyes red and stung. And for all my rubbing just got worse. You were fading.
I was drowning. I knew I was drowning. I couldn't help it. It was too far to try and swim back to shore. And the other side seemed like a mirage that I could never reach. Just the thought of another stroke made me sick in the stomach. Or maybe that was all the plankton and algae and shit and shit.
I started sinking, water was filling my lungs and my brain was in a crazy state of panic, though there was something serene about all the blue and green and black and nothing around me. I wondered if this was all death was, just sinking to the bottom of the ocean. I kind of hoped that I'd see a light shining from the surface down at me then see an anchor or a rope drop and someone climb down to me. But it was only a 'kind of' thought. I knew it could never be you. Though you were an amazing swimmer I knew that life saving wasn't your style. For all my imagining. Again. Nothing happened.
Then I woke up and realised I'd somehow managed to tip my bedtime, night time glass of water all over my face and chest and rolled off my bed onto the floor and was laying on my stomach. I looked towards the bed and you were still there. Motionless. Asleep. Unaware that any of the above had taken place. I watched your eyes. Closed, they still moved and seemed to be focused on something. Perhaps I was in your dream too. Perhaps you were imagining me in the ocean and you swimming past and taking my hand and teaching me how to swim. Different strokes though. Perhaps.
Maybe you were dreaming the same as me. But with the ocean between us you motioned for me to swim towards you and watched me immerse myself in the unkind water and wade out, swimming stroke after stroke. But maybe you knew that the ocean was greater than it appeared and although you waved me across you knew I'd never make it. You knew I would drown and sink and that my lungs would fill with salt-piss-poo-shark loving water and then my heart would stop. Maybe you just wanted to see how far I'd get.
I wonder if I got as far as you expected. I wonder if I hadn't made the lunge if you ever would have noticed. If you ever would have beckoned. Maybe you're not dreaming of me at all. Maybe you're not even dreaming. Maybe you're just asleep. Maybe I'm still dreaming.